To Always and Beyond
by 12thPrecinctMuse
Summary: Beckett and Castle's relationship enters a new phase of understanding as they to learn to be honest with each and struggle to overcome past issues.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1. The Gift

After sharing her feelings with Castle about her therapy and being almost ready for her wall to come down soon, Beckett smiled to herself as she gazed at Castle from the doorway of the break room. She felt happier than she had in a long time now that their relationship was slowly healing, as were they. Right now she wished she could rush over to him and muss up his always perfectly groomed hair, but it wasn't in her cautious nature to be quite so spontaneous.

Forced to move into the room by a detective who was trying to enter, she cleared her throat and stepped up to the espresso machine just as Castle was firing it up.

"Oh, hey, good morning, Beckett," he said, warmth and new understanding shining in his eyes.

"Hey, Castle." Smooth, Kate thought, and then added, "It's great to see you." And especially great that you're back to being friendly, not glaring at me and don't have a bimbo attached to your arm. She forced back a grin at her thoughts.

A companionable silence filled the room as their conversation came to a complete stop when the coffee machine hissed and sputtered loudly. Suddenly Castle glanced her way, catching her unawares.

"Is something wrong?"

Realizing that she'd been staring at him and imagining all sorts of scenarios and possibilities, she stammered, "What? No, of course not. I just…"

He frowned at her and then shook his head and glanced at the machine again.

"It's just that…"

"What?"

She thrust towards him the small box she'd been hiding behind her back.

"What's this?" He asked, accepting her offering and looking puzzled.

"It's nothing. Really. I just thought that since you spend so much time at the precinct with us, you should have one of your own."

It had been delivered to the precinct only this morning so she hadn't had time to wrap it properly and at the last moment had made a few photocopies of the cover of the Nikki Heat novel she had locked in her drawer and taped them around the box.

She watched him anxiously as he carefully unwrapped his present and then bit her lip nervously wondering if it was too much, not enough, too big, too small, too personal, not personal enough. After all, they'd never given gifts to each other before.

Finally he lifted it out and stared at it for the longest time, turning it around and examining it closely. His silence made her even more nervous.

"You did this for me?" He asked.

"I just thought you might like to have your own coffee mug instead of using everyone else's." She glanced down at the floor and added, "And to thank you for yesterday. You know, for understanding what I was trying to say."

"I love it, Kate," he finally answered, choosing not to comment on their conversation outside the pretend zombie's hospital room. "Thank you."

She glanced up on hearing the sincere warmth in his voice and they smiled at each other, both enjoying the lack of tension that had been between them lately.

"You're welcome. You can leave it on my desk if you'd. You know, so it doesn't get broken in here. Or you can take it home if you prefer." In case you decide you want to bolt again at some time, she thought.

"Who took the photo? It's pretty good, if I do say so myself. It shows off how really ruggedly handsome I am."

He grinned at her as his comment earned him the classic eye roll that he expected.

"Espo did." She took the mug from his hands and turned it from his 'Castle' logo on one side to the other which was a really good photo of him from the waist up wearing his 'Writer' bulletproof vest. She'd been in the picture beside him, but decided it was best to keep that one as a framed photo in her apartment. Of course, she didn't have the nerve to keep it out in the open and instead had tucked it away in the drawer of her bedside table. In the past few weeks when she'd obsessed over why he had changed, she had often taken it out on the sleepless nights and had long conversations with Castle's paper image.

"It's a really good photo of you," she said, smiling as she remembered the day. They'd both been laughing at something silly that he'd said and Espo had captured the two of them in a moment of sheer joy and camaraderie, which hadn't been part of their relationship for a long time. She would like to have left herself in the photo since he was her partner, but since he didn't seem to like her very much at the time she'd had the mug printed she figured he'd be happier not having to look at her face every time he took a sip of coffee. Her smile slid away quickly and she handed the mug back to him just as his cappuccino was ready.

"Glad you like it, Castle." She turned on her heel to leave and then glanced back at him over her shoulder. "I'm heading to the courthouse for an hour or two, so if Espo and Ryan get called out, why don't you ride along with them?"

"I will, thanks." Castle felt somewhat deflated as he watched her leave, wishing he could have spent more time with her today. He wondered how long it would take for that wall of hers to come tumbling down, but he was more than ready to wait now that she'd admitted she was ready, or almost ready for it to happen. He always had been willing; he'd just needed some encouragement.

After filling up his mug, he headed back into the squad room and immediately felt better when he spied his pal Esposito.

"Hey, Esposito, I understand that you're responsible for my superb mug," he smiled, holding it up. "Well, I suppose I'm responsible for my superb mug," he said, pointing to his face, "and you're responsible for the photo and Beckett is responsible for the coffee mug."

Esposito rolled his eyes at Castle's never-ending love of himself. "Let's see, bro." Espo reached his hand out and took the mug from him. "I only forwarded the photo to Beckett and haven't seen how the mug turned out." He glanced at both sides, looking puzzled.

"What's wrong," Castle asked. "Doesn't it look as good at your original?"

"That's not the original. I mean Beckett was in the original photo. It was a really, really good picture of both of you and I thought that's what she wanted on the mug. You know, partners and all?"

"I'd like to see it if you still have it," Castle said, trying to hide his hurt. "Can you send it to my phone?"

"Yeah, sure." Just then, Esposito's phone rang and Castle stood beside his desk impatiently while the detective talked on the precinct phone and thumbed through his cell phone photos. Finally he gave Castle a thumbs up and the photo arrived almost immediately on his own phone.

Castle opened it up and stared, just stared. It _was_ a beautiful photo of both of them looking so happy as they turned towards each other laughing about something. He suddenly remembered a lot of those good days and those better times that had been pushed to the back of his memory in the wake of feeling rejected, lied to and betrayed. What an idiot he'd been, keeping things to himself and not discussing them with her. He cringed when he thought about the way he'd spoken to her and that whole Jacinda debacle. His mother had been right: he had been punishing Beckett even though he hadn't been doing it consciously. He was actually rather surprised that she didn't appear to hold a grudge about his behavior.

Castle looked down at the photo again. So Kate didn't want to be on the mug? She couldn't stand to have a permanent image of the two of them together? Suddenly losing his desire for the cappuccino, he went back into the break room and poured it out. After washing and drying the cup, he put it on Beckett's desk, as she had suggested, even though he might not be using it again.

Beckett returned a couple hours later and the first thing she did was look around for Castle since she noticed both Esposito and Ryan were there.

"Did Castle leave?"

"Yeah, he did," replied Esposito. Glancing up at her with curiosity, he continued, "Can you tell me why you cut yourself out of the photo on the mug?"

"I don't think Castle wants to look at my face, Espo," she answered, sitting down at her desk and turning her back to him. "Maybe now, but not then when I had the mug made."

"You're joking, right?" Esposito came over and plunked down in the chair beside her desk, _Castle's_ chair. "You should have seen his face when I told him that you had been in the original picture and that I had no idea that you were going to cut yourself out."

"Why would you tell him that, Javi?" Beckett was furious. "He didn't need to know that."

"Yeah, well, you should have seen him, Beckett. It was like he thought you didn't consider him your partner, that all the years you've spent together on cases didn't matter to you."

"This is none of your business, Javi. Now haven't you got something you can do at _your_ desk? _Right now_?"

Esposito clicked his tongue and heaved himself out of the chair, muttering under his breath but loudly enough that Beckett heard him as he left the room, "Some people are so clueless."

Beckett felt sick as she stared at Castle's face on the mug and then turned it around so she wouldn't have to look at it. Good going, Kate, chalk up another bad decision on your part. Now what are you going to do about damage control?

Suddenly, she thought of one thing that would make her feel better right now. She picked up the mug, glanced around the room and when saw that she was alone she dropped it on the floor, watching as Castle's image shattered into as many pieces as her heart had over the previous weeks. She scooped up the shards, put them into her bag so that there would be no evidence in the break room, and headed home to throw them out.

On the way, though, she had one stop to make. It might be too late, but she had to try.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2. Gift Fallout

"Richard, darling, will you be gnashing your teeth and sighing dramatically for much longer?" Martha sat down beside him on the leather sofa with a glass of wine in her hand, raising her eyebrows as she stared at him.

"Sorry, Mother," he replied, taking a large gulp of his Scotch. "I thought I was being quiet."

"There's only one person who wreaks havoc with your emotions, and that's Beckett. You were a changed person yesterday after the zombie case, so what happened this morning that set you off on another tangent?"

Castle sat up straighter, squared his shoulders, looked indignant and blurted, "She bought me a coffee mug with my name and picture on it!"

"Oh, my God, how inconsiderate of her! Off with her head!"

Castle glared at her and then realized how stupid his explanation was. He put his glass on the table and rubbed his hands over his face and through his hair before continuing.

"I mean, I thought it was great and I was really happy about it because we've never given gifts to each other before, you know." He paused and took another swig of his drink.

"And…" Martha prodded.

"And after she left I found out from Esposito that…" Castle stopped and took out his phone to flip through the photos. "This will explain it better. See, here's the front of the mug… and the back."

"Oh, Richard, that was so sweet of her. And it's such a good picture of you."

"Yes, it is, isn't it?" He replied without any modesty at all as he looked at his image, thereby missing his mother's eye roll. It wouldn't have made much difference anyway as he was totally oblivious about how many times people rolled their eyes around him.

"And this is what's made you gnash your teeth and sigh dramatically?"

"No, no, of course not." He thumbed to the next photo and turned it around for his mother to see. "_This_ is what upset me."

Martha didn't understand the problem and frowned as she took the phone and examined the picture closely. "Well, it's certainly a good picture of Beckett, too."

"Exactly!" Castle jumped up and paced back in front of his mother.

"Exactly what, Richard?"

"Mother, don't you see? She cut herself out of the photo because she didn't want it to look like we're a couple!"

Martha rolled her eyes again, and this time he caught her.

"What did you do that for?"

"Oh, Richard, honestly! For such a smart man, you're so dense sometimes!"

"Mothers shouldn't talk to their kids like that, you know."

Martha clicked her tongue and continued, "If you acted like an adult, Richard, I wouldn't have to treat you like a kid."

Castle plunked down onto the sofa again as his mother continued.

"Think of it, Richard. Beckett had to have put in the order at least a week or two ago. How well were the two of you getting along then? Was it during your stellar stage when you were glaring at her and parading dates at crime scenes and at the station?"

"I, it, we…" Castle spluttered and then lapsed into silence.

"Exactly. And do you think Beckett would think for one minute you'd want her picture on the mug, too?"

Castle looked contrite and shook his head, "When you put it that way, probably not."

Martha shook her head and stood up to give him time alone to reflect. "Darling, you've just re-opened the doors of communication again with her and jumping to conclusions about why she did or didn't do something took how long? A few minutes?" She leaned over and kissed his forehead. "When you have something on your mind, Richard, just talk to the poor woman instead of building up a work of fiction in your head."

Castle finished the rest of his Scotch more slowly and thought about what his mother had said. He sighed again once he made sure she was out of earshot. He didn't want to screw up this chance that he had with Beckett, so he knew he'd better start off on the right foot tomorrow. He would ask her about the mug because it bothered him and they had to be able to share things like that if they hoped to have any future together.

As the Scotch coursed through his bloodstream and into his brain, he told himself that might not be a good idea because then she might be hurt that he didn't really like the first gift she'd ever given him. And she might take it as a criticism. And how would he explain his way out of that? No, he had to think this thing through very carefully before he went in the wrong direction.

By the time he entered the squad room the next morning he was relieved that Beckett wasn't around because he still had no idea what he was going to say to her. He thought he might be more inspired if he had the mug in his hand, but he could see that it wasn't on her desk. He frowned and tried a couple of drawers when no one was looking but it wasn't them either. Maybe she'd put it in the break room after all. He started the espresso machine and was searching through the mugs when Beckett appeared so suddenly beside him that he cracked his head on an open cupboard.

"Damn it!" he exclaimed, rubbing his scalp and examining his fingers to see if there was blood on them.

"I'm _so_ sorry, Castle," Beckett exclaimed, still wincing from the sound of the door connecting with his head. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, just being a baby."

"I'm wearing heels, Castle, so I certainly wasn't sneaking around. You must have been really engrossed in something to have not heard me. What were you looking for?"

"My mug. For my coffee?"

"It's on my desk, Castle."

"No, it isn't. I looked there."

"Are you sure you didn't also whack your head _before_ you looked?"

He took her arm and practically dragged her to her desk. "It is not…" He shook his head, but gently, wondering if his eyesight had been affected. The mug was sitting on her desk, just as she said, although it was almost hidden by books. He was sure hadn't been there before.

He picked it up and saw that, yes indeed it was his Castle logo, so he must be losing his mind. Turning to glance at Beckett, he noticed one corner of her mouth was twitching as she attempted to bite back a smile.

"What?"

"Turn it around, Castle."

He did as she suggested and saw the photo. The photo of the two of them. Together. And underneath it said 'Partners'.

"What? How? When?"

"I'm sorry about the other one, Castle," she answered, indicating they should go back to the break room as both Esposito and Ryan were obviously straining their ears trying to hear their conversation.

"Don't be sorry, Beckett," he replied. "I'll treasure that mug because it's the first gift, you know. But where is it?"

"Uh, well, it met with an unfortunate accident." Beckett smiled innocently and continued. "When I ordered it, Castle, I just couldn't put myself on the cup, too, considering how things were between us at that time."

"That's what mother said yesterday."

"You discussed the mug with Martha?" Beckett frowned, wondering what else he discussed with her. And when.

"My mother is more wise than you know and can always be counted on to make unbiased observations."

"Yeah, right, Castle. She's your mother; of course she's going to be biased about you."

"No, you're wrong, Kate," he interrupted, moving to the sink to wash the mug. "The times she agrees with me are actually few and far between. Getting back to the topic at hand, how did you get this made up so fast?"

"I flew out of here again right after I got back from the courthouse and had to bribe the guy in the shop to rush it through. Fortunately it was ready when I stopped by this morning."

He smiled at her and leaned forward as if to kiss her, but instead whispered, "I like that you put 'Partners' on it. I'm looking forward to it. In every sense of the word."

As he stepped back to place the mug under the spigot, Beckett tried to slow her racing pulse and steady her breathing. She had thought that he was actually going to lock lips with her in the break room and had been more than ready. Even if Gates had come in she wouldn't have cared.

She went back to her desk and picked up her own mug with the same photo and 'Partners' on it, but with 'Beckett' on the other side. Castle's smile was huge when he spied the mug and he offered her the first cappuccino. As his fingers brushed hers, they both gave a sharp intake of breath and stared into each other's eyes and all she could do was whisper, "Thank you, partner of mine."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3. Lanie

With wine glass in one hand, Kate plumped up the pillows on Lanie's sofa with the other and settled down at one end. Stretching out her long legs with a groan of satisfaction, she took a long sip and glanced at her best friend who was in the same position at the opposite end, their feet touching lightly.

It had been a weird, emotional and wonderful week and she was thankful that it was Friday night and she could relax.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked, noticing Lanie's raised eyebrow and head tilted in question.

"Come on, girl, give!"

Kate feigned innocence and glanced away, "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about." Hearing Lanie's unladylike snort, she grinned and looked back at her.

"What makes you think that I have anything to 'give'?"

"Kate, it's _me_ you're talking to, so don't play games with me! I can tell that something's changed because you seem less stressed and much happier, like you've finally found something that had been missing."

Kate just stared at her, not believing she could possibly look changed even though she felt different.

"Hold on," Lanie suddenly continued, setting down her glass. "Please tell me that this has nothing to do with your mother's killer!"

"Wait. What?" Kate shook her head, "No, no, of course not! Why would you even ask such a thing, Lanie?"

"Because I think it's the only thing that will make you happy, girlfriend, and that doesn't make _me_ happy."

Kate grinned at her, "It's not the _only_ thing, Lanie. There _is_ something else."

Lanie looked confused. "What are you saying?" Suddenly her face cleared. "Oh, no, it can't be, can it? Are we talking about a guy? An actual man?"

Kate's smile lit up her whole face but she still didn't say anything because she knew that Lanie wasn't finished.

"So, _that's_ it! Well, hallelujah!" Lanie laughed, leaned across the sofa and high-fived her friend. "Please tell me, though, that it's not Will again, or Josh."

"What do you have against Will and Josh, Lanie? They're both handsome, intelligent men."

"What I have against them, Kate Beckett, is that neither of them is the right one for you. You know what I'm talking about, don't you?"

"Mm hmm," Kate agreed, and then added, "and I couldn't agree with you more."

"So, is this person of interest someone new or…," Lanie paused dramatically, "… dare I hope, someone who is near and dear to us? Someone who's aggravating, charming and an overgrown kid? Someone who is crazy about you and someone you're crazy about?" She stared with those big beautiful dark eyes of hers without blinking and seemed to hold her breath as she waited.

Kate put her glass down on the table, cleared her throat and blurted out, "Yes, Lanie, it's Castle!" She could see that Lanie was gathering her breath to say something emotional and dramatic and put up her finger to silence her.

"Let me continue before you say anything." She put her feet on the floor and leaned forward, putting her head in her hands and sighing. "We haven't actually _done_ anything, or even _said_ anything earth shattering, but we're getting there, you know?"

She glanced over and saw Lanie nodding vigorously but remaining quiet as asked.

"Things changed again during the zombie case. When Castle arrived at the garage and told Perlmutter that he'd cherish their conversations, it sounded so final, like there weren't going to be any more of them. And then he went on and on about how he'd 'wanted this case to be special."

Lanie seemed to be struck mute, so Kate continued. "I don't know how it happened, but we came out of the hospital room of Kyle the, uh, zombie and Castle said if something's important enough you remember it, and…" she trailed off in confusion. "Then I said something I don't remember and we were interrupted by Permutter so there was no further discussion on the topic. But it changed something, Lanie. He looked like a small light of understanding was shining in his eyes."

Lanie just nodded at her friend, afraid to say anything that might stop the flow of words.

Kate stood up and paced around the room, alternately wringing her hands and rubbing the back of her neck. She stopped long enough to take several very long sips of her wine and then downed the rest of it in one big gulp.

Leaning over the back of the sofa and staring her friend in the eyes, she continued.

"Then, when Castle was in full zombie gear at the hospital we said goodbye to Kyle and Castle said that the guy would be needing therapy and somehow it all came tumbling out of me."

"What happened, Kate?" Lanie could manage only a soft whisper as she saw the tears in Kate's eyes.

"One thing led to another and now he knows that I've been in therapy and…"

"And what?"

"And I told him that I was almost at the point where I could accept everything that happened to me that day. And I emphasized 'everything'."

"Do you think he knows what that means?"

"Yeah, he knows, Lanie." Kate brushed away the tears that had rolled down her cheeks. "In the end, we both agreed that he should be there when my wall come down."

"Oh, Kate!" Lanie jumped off the sofa and ran around to hug her friend. "I'm _so_ happy for you!"

"Hold on, hold on!" Kate yelped as she was grabbed. "I said nothing has happened!"

"Oh, yes it has, as much as you want to deny it. Face it, Kate, this is the opening for you; it's the chance you need to take."

They both settled down together on the sofa again and slipped into a companionable silence.

"Nuh uh, no!"

"No, what, Lanie? I didn't say anything."

"You didn't need to say anything. From over here I can hear the wheels turning in your head. You're overanalyzing right now, aren't you?"

"It's just that…"

"No, don't even think it's just anything! Just enjoy it for what it is."

"I can't help it, Lanie. As I said before, the guy's been married twice and I'm a 'one and done' gal. He hasn't been very good at making commitments in the past."

"Hold on, Kate, I thought you were talking about dating Castle, but you're thinking about more than having just a dating relationship with him, aren't you? Are you thinking about marrying him? When you haven't even gone out with him?"

Kate looked indignant and scoffed, "Of course not! Where would you get that idea?"

"You're the one who said you're a 'one and done' gal. That's what you say when you're talking about marriage, not dating."

"No, I've never given it a thought."

Silence from Lanie was punctuated with a highly skeptical look.

"Okay, maybe once I thought about it. A long time ago."

Another look.

"Okay, _fine_!" I've thought about it a lot! Are you satisfied now?"

"I just want _you_ to be satisfied, Kate. With whatever decision you make."

"I just wish I knew if I'm doing the right thing. By opening my heart to him, you know? What I don't understand is why him? I mean, let's face it, Lanie, he doesn't exactly act his age. Maybe that's why his marriages didn't work. What if I can't handle the fact that he's always going to be a big kid inside a successful author's ego?"

"Kate, when was the last time you had fun?"

"I have fun all the time."

"No, you don't." Lanie interjected. "I know you've always loved your job but you never really enjoyed coming into work until Castle started hanging around. Face it, girl, he makes you smile, he makes you laugh, he makes you shake your head and roll your eyes, and he makes you wait with anticipation for his theories on cases, as crazy as they may be at times."

She paused and nudged her friend's foot. "And, in spite of any personality flaws you may think he has, he always makes your heart beat a little faster and gets the blood singing in your veins. He makes you feel alive, Kate, and makes you believe in the possibility… of forever, of always."

Kate smiled at Lanie's words which, of course, were all true. "I just hope that I don't screw this up. I think he and I both have different expectations about how this is going to play out and I'm afraid that someone's going to be disappointed."

"Kate, just be honest with him. Tell him how you feel every step of the way and don't make him guess. And tell him that you want the same thing from him. Don't let secrets come between you. Besides, there's no time frame on this thing, is there?"

"No, of course not!" Kate laughed. "But the guy should be rewarded for his patience. Soon, don't you think?"

"Shut the front door!' Lanie exclaimed. "Hell, yes, you go girl! And then you can tell me all the juicy details."

Kate grinned at the choice of words. "Is nothing sacred?"

Lanie shook her head. "You tell me and I'll let you know what went on between Javi and me."

"God, no, I so do _not_ want to know about the two of you! I'd never be able to look him in the eyes again."

"Well, as disappointing as it will be to me not to know everything, share whatever you feel comfortable with, Kate. You know I'm always here for you."

"I know, Lanie. Anyway, there won't be much to tell about after the first date. He's invited me to have dinner with him and Alexis and Martha tomorrow night, so I won't be needing the fire extinguisher to put out the sparks just yet. After that, I think it might be a good thing to be prepared."

"We can only hope, Kate!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4. The Loft

Martha glared at her son from the top of the stairs.

"Richard, it's 5:30 in the morning. On Saturday. What _are_ you doing?"

"Oh, sorry, Mother, I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd get up and go through some recipe books and pots and pans to see what to make for dinner tonight."

"Ah, yes, Beckett," Martha replied wearily, giving in and coming down to pour her first coffee of the day.

"Don't say her name like that," he said indignantly.

"Like what, dear?"

"Like maybe you think I'm making a mistake."

"By inviting her to dinner with us?" Martha tried to look like she didn't know what he was talking about but failed miserably.

"You know very well what I mean." He sat down on the adjoining barstool. "Do you think I'm making a mistake by trying to have a relationship with her again? That I should just give up on her?"

"Richard, you know I don't like to offer my opinion when it comes to your choice of women."

He snorted so loudly at the ludicrous statement that he choked on his coffee and she choked on hers.

"Mother, you offer your opinion on _every_ woman I go out with."

"Now, you know that's an outright lie. I've actually met very few of the women you've dated." She could have left it at that, but couldn't resist adding, "Of course, most of them didn't last longer than one night so I didn't have much of an opportunity."

Castle glared at his mother and then burst into laughter. "I guess I can't call that a lie, can I?"

Martha just shook her head and murmured non-committedly.

"Didn't you like any of them? I mean the ones you did meet?"

"Well let's start with the two obvious ones, your ex-wives, Meredith and Gina. The only good thing about Meredith, in my humble opinion, was that she gave you Alexis and the only good thing about Gina was that she brought you success as your publisher."

"I brought myself success with my writing, Mother."

"Yes, be that as it may, she _is_ responsible for guiding you down that road."

"Come on, to be fair, there were some good times with both of them."

"Richard, I think the good times you're referring to have something to do with under the sheets, and are not things you should discuss with your mother."

Castle raised his eyebrows and looked horrified. "Well, I'm glad that at least we're in complete agreement about _that_."

After they poured their second cups of coffee and headed into the living room, Castle swallowed nervously and cleared his throat as he tried to find a delicate way of leading into what was really on his mind.

"So what do you really think of Kate, mother?" He blurted out, surprising himself.

And apparently also surprising his mother who looked both shocked and uncomfortable.

"Oh, Richard, what I think doesn't matter. It's what you think and what you believe that count."

"Please, Mother."

Martha sighed as she looked at her only child, a man who had the unique ability to be both complex and simple, intelligent and lacking in smarts, making mature life-altering decisions and behaving like a boy acting on impulse before thinking. She knew that his personality had been shaped without benefit of a father and by a mother who quite often had put her dramatic lifestyle ahead of her offspring. Still, she had done the best she could with the tools she had, and she had always loved him unconditionally and supported his decisions no matter how reluctant she might have been.

Sighing, she wearily squeezed the bridge of her nose in an effort to stave off the headache that had been building. The small sound reached her son and it hurt her heart when she saw that he appeared to be afraid of what she might say.

"Now, don't look like that, Richard. I'm not going to say anything bad about Beckett. In fact, I've been thinking about this moment for a very long time because I was sure it would come some time."

"And?"

"I've seen you hold a torch for Beckett for four years, Richard. I've watched you go through the whole gamut of emotions – happiness, elation, enthusiasm, frustration, anger, sadness and resignation. Sometimes your emotions have rubbed off on me for a little while, but through all the good and bad, my opinion has never waivered about Detective Kate Beckett."

"And that opinion is…?"

She smiled because she imagined that he was crossing the fingers on the hand she couldn't see. "I think she's a remarkable, dedicated, smart, savvy, kind, beautiful woman. Despite the fact that you seem to be total opposites, I think that you would add as much to her life as she would to yours, and nothing would make me happier than to know that you two are going to come to your senses and realize it yourselves."

Castle brushed away the sudden moisture in his eyes at his mother's words, because he knew that she was always honest in her opinions and she wouldn't sugarcoat what she thought about his relationship with Beckett because it was so important to him.

He was just about to thank her when a sound at the top of the stairs made them both turn and look.

"Hey, what's everyone doing up so early?" Alexis pulled her robe around her and frowned as she looked from her Dad to her Gram.

"Sorry, honey," Castle said, noticing the grumpy expression on his daughter's face. "We were just discussing, um, dinner tonight."

"Ah, yes, your date." Alexis thumped down the stairs and poured the remaining coffee into her cup.

"Alexis, it's not a date," Castle said, a little smile on his lips. "It's just dinner. And you know that she's been over for dinner with us before. This isn't any different." Great, lie to your kid now, why don't you?

"Dad, when a single man has a single woman over for dinner, no matter how many other people are around the table, it's a date." Alexis plunked herself down between the two people she loved most in the world.

"Yeah, but…" Castle started.

"Yeah, but nothing, Dad," Alexis admonished him. "You've been following her around for four years now. When are you going to make your move?"

Castle thought it was wrong, just so wrong that his daughter would be offering advice about Beckett, but instead of telling her that, the words that came unheeded out of his mouth were, "Do you think I should?"

At his mother's startled gasp, Castle glanced at her over his daughter's head hoping his face told her not to say anything.

"Yes, Dad, of course! Beckett's wonderful and I really like her. You know I've gone to her about advice before, right? Well, I respect her opinion and I think you should go for it." Standing up, she kissed her father on his cheek and headed for the stairs. "Oh, and try not to make your dinner weird."

"What do you mean 'weird'? I'm a very good cook; I don't know that I've ever made anything that weird."

Alexis gave him 'the look'. "I just mean, don't plan something fancy that's going to make you hyper about having it perfect. Stick to what you know, like spaghetti. Simple and delicious."

Castle and his mother both watched Alexis as she mumbled under her breath all the way upstairs. "I'm going back to bed now so please try to keep your enthusiasm in the totally silent range," she finished, closing her door with a little too much force behind her.

"Well, does that do it for you, Richard?"

"For the dinner?"

"Really, Richard, I'm referring to Beckett. I mean you have my opinion and Alexis' opinion and we know what your opinion is, so try not to screw this up, dear." Martha stood up and smiled down at her son. "And try not to delay this thing any longer, please. I don't think I could survive another four years like this."

"That goes for me, too, Mother."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5. Swinging

The sun was warm and a breeze played around Kate's long hair as she downed her second cup of coffee from a cardboard up in an attempt to ease her massive headache. She and Lanie had gone through a few bottles of wine last night… she didn't want to know how many… and she ended up sleeping on her sofa. Or maybe she passed out; she couldn't be sure.

She closed her eyes and leaned her head back as she sat on the swing where she had that first conversation with Castle three months after she'd seen him at the hospital. She often came here to think things over; it was quiet and peaceful when the children weren't around and it never failed to ease some of the tension that always seemed to build up inside.

Many was the time she'd come here after her visits with Dr. Burke. She smiled when she thought about how she'd break the news to him that she and Castle were setting out on a new road together.

Funny, she thought, I always think of him as Castle. She said 'Rick' out loud a few times and thought that it just sounded strange. Even when they were in the murky waters of the Hudson and she thought they were going to die, it was 'Castle' that she called. On the other hand, he'd called her Kate many times. I wonder if he'll be offended if I'm just not comfortable with his first name yet. I mean, I've been calling him Castle for four years; how do I suddenly cross that bridge?

She heard footsteps approaching but refused to open her eyes, instead pretending that it was Castle. Her eyes flew open when he felt someone kiss her forehead.

"Josh!" Her disappointment was so great that she realized she sounded angry. "What are you doing here?" She softened her voice, but she was annoyed and wanted him to go away.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." He started to sit down on the other swing and she leaped up.

"No, don't sit there!"

He straightened abruptly and looked down at the swing.

"Is there something wrong with it?"

"No, no, not at all," she stammered. It's just that it's _Castle's_ swing. "Why don't we move over to the bench?"

She walked ahead of him, cursing him inwardly for showing up, for her acting so possessive about the swing, and for not letting him go ahead of her because she was pretty sure he was looking at her butt.

"You look great." She glanced over her shoulder at his words, noticed that he was indeed looking at her rear end, and stopped so abruptly that he walked right into her.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Josh. Let's sit here."

There was a big space between them on the bench and Kate put her coffee cup down to make sure it stayed that way. An uncomfortable silence fell between them, the kind that doesn't usually exist between two people who'd been intimate.

"So, I guess you've still as busy as you ever were at the hospital?" God, she was really struggling to find something to say.

"Getting back into it now." He draped his hand along the back of the bed and picked up a lock of her hair, which he dropped abruptly as she flipped it out of his reach. He continued talking as if nothing had happened. "I just got back from Africa… you know, doing my bit again with Doctors Without Borders."

"That's great, Josh," she replied sincerely. "That's such a good thing that you do."

"Yeah, well, it keeps me out of trouble. And how about you?"

"What about me?" Did he know something, suspect something?

"I mean what have you been doing? Are you completely recovered now?"

"I'm getting there, but the physical recovery has been a lot quicker and easier than the psychological healing."

"You'll get there, Kate. Had any interesting cases lately?"

"Oh, yeah!" Her face lit up with enthusiasm as she launched into a few of the zombie highlights and then her words abruptly halted as she noticed him frowning.

"What's wrong?"

"Do you realize how many times you've mentioned Castle just now? I thought he'd be long gone by this time. He must have more than enough material to crank out several books."

Josh had never cared for Castle hanging around her, but Kate thought he really had no right to still be jealous since they weren't together any longer.

"Yeah, Castle's still there. He's actually quite a big help to us. His theories fly all over the place, but they eventually come in for a landing. We wouldn't have been able to make arrests several times if it hadn't been for him."

"You like him."

"Of course I like him. We've been partners for four years."

"He's not your partner, Kate. Only a cop can be your partner."

"Not always, Josh."

He looked like he wanted to continue grilling her about Castle, but she'd had enough and stood up. "I have to go Josh; it was good seeing you." There was no harm in a little lie.

Josh stepped into her personal space, which only served to make her back up.

"Kate, I was just wondering if you'd like to go out and do something tonight."

Kate's eyes widened at his words. "Oh, no!"

He looked nonplussed at her outburst.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that. It's just that I have a date tonight."

"Maybe some other time then?" God, he wasn't going to make this easy, was he?

"That ship has sailed, Josh," she said softly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm absolutely sure."

"You must really like this guy a lot."

She looked up at him, tilted her head and said, "Much more than that."

"Okay, I won't bother you again. Take care of yourself, Kate." He turned and walked down the path, looking dejected.

"You, too, Josh."

Just before she turned to go in the opposite direction, she heard him yell something she didn't understand.

"What did you say?"

"I said, It's Castle, isn't it?"

"Why would you think that?"

"Kate, I could see the way you looked at each other whenever I dropped by the station. I wish I could have erased him from your heart."

He walked away while Kate just stood staring after him. Josh had known it back then and she hadn't?

"You couldn't erase him from my heart, Josh," she said aloud so that she could hear the words that she'd known along, "because Cupid's arrow was already in there doing its work. And, when that didn't work, he used a bullet to really drive home the point."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6. Dinner

"Darling, you're going to have to take a shower and put on clean clothes if you don't come to your senses right now."

Castle looked at his mother over the top of counter from his position on his knees behind it.

"What do you mean?" He asked anxiously, looking down at himself. "I don't smell terrible, do I?"

Martha took at seat at the counter and sighed. "No, dear, but I think if you keep on in your current state of frenzy you're going to either perspire through everything or spill sauce all over yourself."

Castle stood up and brushed some imaginary lint off his pants. "I've been overdoing it, right? What gave me away?" He poured glasses of wine for both of them and came around to sit down beside her.

"You've strewn around at least a dozen recipe books and rattled and banged your way through every pot, pan and dish in the cupboards. But it's the mumbling, cursing and talking to yourself out loud that has me worried."

"Yeah, well, I…"

"Richard, don't make this any more complicated than it has to be. Beckett is simply coming over to have a spaghetti dinner with us. You can't go wrong with pasta and you know that your sauce is the best in New York."

"You're just saying that because you're my mother."

"Be that as it may, it's the truth." She smiled and shook her head. "You're as nervous as you were getting ready for your first date; well, maybe not quite as much because that time you _did_ have to change your clothes. Several times, if I recall. Maybe you really are growing up."

"Don't count on it, Mother," he grinned. "Maturity has never been my long suit.

"You won't get any argument from me on that point."

"So, what should I do now?"

"About dinner or about your relationship with Beckett?"

"Dinner. I don't think I'm ready to hear any more opinions about my relationship… which, by the way, doesn't exist." He trailed off and then added, "Yet."

"She'll be here in an hour, so let me help you put away the books and I'll get Alexis to set the table. In the meantime, do go and change into something a little less…"

"Less what, Mother?" he asked, worry in his voice as he started putting away the books.

"Less severe."

"Severe? It's just a suit."

"Precisely. You look like you're the key note speaker at a convention… or about to meet the President."

"I thought I looked really good," he sulked, hurt in his voice.

"You look very handsome, dear, but put on something less forbidding. This is supposed to be a casual, friendly get together so it would be better if you look comfortable and relaxed. How about jeans and that nice sweater I gave you? It brings out the blue in your eyes."

"Jeans?" He sounded horrified, like he couldn't fathom wearing such atrocities.

"Okay, not the blue ones then. What about the black ones?"

"I don't…" He paused and pictured them in his mind. "That might work. But what if she shows up in a really fancy dress?"

"Richard, you're not going on the red carpet! You told her it would be a casual dinner and I hardly think she's going to show up in a long slinky black dress."

The image of Beckett on the arm of Scotland Yard detective Simon Hunt as they headed off to the Consulate party made Castle's mouth go dry and he took several long swallows of wine before he could find his voice.

"You may be right."

"Of course I'm right." Looking at her watch, she added, "You have 30 minutes now. Try not to spend all of it fussing over your hair."

Castle scoffed, "When have I ever spent too much time on my hair?" Seeing his mother's raised eyebrow, he nodded and headed to his bedroom.

Martha had barely turned around when he suddenly appeared behind her again.

"What now?"

"How about if you greet Beckett when she arrives and get her settled with a glass of wine, and I'll spy on her from behind the bookcase to see what she's wearing?"

"Richard!" Martha pointed towards his room. "Go. Now." Watching her son hurry away, she called after him, "And don't spy on the poor woman. Just put on the black jeans!"

At that point, Alexis came down from her room and glanced around.

"Where's Dad, Gram?"

"Oh, you know your father."

Nodding, Alexis helped her grandmother set the table. "You mean he's obsessing about this evening and what he's going to wear."

Martha smiled, "You know your father so well, dear."

"Did you have the talk with him about his hair?"

"I did, but I can't say that it did any good. When have you ever known your father to have a casually ruffled look to his locks?"

"Only after swimming. I kind of liked it."

Preparations complete, Alexis sat on one of the chairs and turned around to make sure that her father wasn't lurking somewhere in the background. One could never be too careful.

"What's on your mind, kiddo?" Martha sat across from her and smiled gently. "Are you worried about your father and Beckett perhaps becoming serious about each other?"

"No! That's exactly what I'm hoping." Seeing her grandmother's surprised look, she continued. "I'll be at college and I think it's the perfect time and I think she's the perfect person for him."

"Really?"

"Well, sure. But, Gram, you have to help with this too, you know."

"Help? Alexis, I hardly think your father needs any help. A little push, perhaps… or maybe a big shove… but he's the only one who can help this relationship."

"I mean," Alexis sounded exasperated, "if Beckett's going to be spending more time here, you're going to have to make yourself scarce."

"You mean I should move out?" Martha sounded shocked.

"No, no, of course not. At least not right now. But how are they going to, um, do anything if you're in the room with them."

"I know enough to stay in my own room, Alexis."

"You know very well that you'd be listening at your door, Gram. And they'd feel uncomfortable if they knew that you'd be around."

"I hadn't thought of that," Martha admitted, suddenly feeling deflated. "Of course I'll have to have some sort of plan."

"Gram, I'm sorry," Alexis said, putting her hand on her grandmother's. "I didn't mean to bring you down. It's just something to think about in the future, you know? After all, it's taken four years for Dad and Beckett to get this far, so I hardly think you need to be arranging appointments with real estate agents any time in the near future.

"I suppose you're right. Well, certainly not tonight, anyway."

A knock at the door prevented any more discussion, and for that Martha was extremely grateful. Opening the door, she smiled warmly when she saw Beckett and as she and Alexis hugged her, she could only think it was a good thing that she'd made her son change out of his suit.

Castle heard the muted conversations from the other room and knew that Beckett had arrived. He looked at himself in the mirror, still not sure if the black jeans and dark blue sweater were going to work, but his hair sure looked good. Perhaps a little too good, he thought, remembering his mother's remark. He ruffled it up a bit and was a bit disgruntled to see it drop back into perfection.

"I can't leave it like this," he thought. "Beckett might be afraid of mussing it up if she feels the urge to run her fingers through it." He laughed out loud at the thought and wondered if the three women had heard him. It took him 15 minutes, but he eventually got a casual look that he felt he could live with.

Wiping his hands nervously down the sides of his jeans, he took a deep breath and tried to look completely calm as he got his first look at Beckett. Suddenly, he felt like that his teenage self from long ago.

"Hi, Kate, glad you could make it." God, she looked good with her beautiful hair in curls and dressed in black jeans and a dark green blouse that made her eyes shine. He suddenly didn't know what to do… shake hands with her, hug her or kiss her on the cheek? The hesitation lasted so long that the moment was lost and he ended up doing none of those things.

"Thanks for asking me." She tilted her head and smiled at him, looking like she knew how nervous he was and kind enough not to mention the fact.

"Well, uh, I see that Mother has poured wine for you, so why don't you all just go in and have a seat on the sofa and I'll check the…" He trailed off as Martha interrupted.

"Everything's fine in the kitchen, Richard, so go and chat with Beckett." She made a face at Alexis who was just about to sit down.

"Oh, um, excuse me please," Alexis gasped, straightening up. "I just remembered something I have to do."

"Can't it wait, Alexis?" Castle asked, patting the sofa cushion beside him. "Come and tell Beckett about where you're going to college."

"Oh, right!" She started to sit down again, caught her grandmother's eye, and backed slowly out of the room. "No, I have to do this right now. I'll be back in a couple of minutes."

"Sorry, Kate," Castle apologized. "I don't know what's gotten into her. Do you know, Mother?" He turned around only to discover that Martha was nowhere to be seen.

Suddenly nervous again without his backup, he cleared his throat, and wondered what to say to the woman he never had trouble having a conversation with before.

"It's okay, Castle," she said, grinning.

"What's okay?"

"I just mean, let's not make a big deal of this, okay? All we have to remember is that we've been friends for a long time, and all the good and bad that have happened during the past four years have brought us to this point. We're not in a rush tonight, are we?"

"No, of course not. It's just that…"

"I know," she said, moving closer to him and putting her hand over his. "Let's just enjoy the evening with Alexis and Martha and know that things are going to better between us. Tomorrow's going to be even better than today."

"I believe that to be true." He stared into her eyes and felt his heart clench at what he saw there, knowing that she could see the same thing in his.

Picking up her hand, he kissed the back of it and then turned over and kissed the palm and then the wrist, feeling her pulse quicken below his lips. Yes, my beloved Kate, he thought, we're heading towards our Always.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7. Almost Always

The evening wasn't supposed to be like this, with him home alone.

Castle made several trips into the kitchen to gather the snacks and beverages that he'd need for a night of watching TV and playing video games. He hoped that by immersing himself in his electronic toys he'd be able to keep his mind off the fact that the plan had been for Beckett to be here with him watching John Woo movies.

Normally he would have been happy to have his daughter and mother home, but not tonight. No, tonight he needed to be able to step out of the role he'd been playing for too long, the role of a happy man.

"Too bad they don't give out awards to regular people who are such good actors that no one sees the dark creatures that live inside." He'd been talking out loud to himself for the past couple of hours because the sound filled up the empty loft and almost kept that last conversation with Beckett out of his mind.

Almost.

"Yes, Castle," he agreed in a Southern drawl. "You would certainly win in the Best Actor category. I thought you were amazing as a zombie, but you really outdid yourself in this role."

It hadn't been easy, but it helped that both Alexis and Martha were preoccupied with their own lives right now. Thankfully he'd been able to keep his daughter out of the loop when it came to the ups and downs of his relationship with Beckett, but his mother was a different matter.

She was still under the impression that things were moving forward and that her son was happy. Everything was just la de da. There'd be time enough to burst her bubble later, but for now he didn't want to hit her with this latest heartbreak and tell her that he had finally laid his cards on the table with Beckett and had been completely honest with her, only to have it blow up in his face.

He'd never loved a woman as much as he had Kate, and he knew there'd never be anyone else for him. How incredible it would have been if she'd only felt the same way about him.

He smiled as he placed Alexis' graduation cap tassel on the lamp, remembering her speech and especially the end of it when she'd said there are some people who are the small clear voices in our hearts and that they would be with us, always.

"Who would have known, Kate," he said to her image on his screen, "that the time would come when we wouldn't be there for each other always?"

He'd wanted to be, God knows how he'd wanted to be, but he just couldn't stand by and watch her obsession overtake her again. He was sure that some day he was going to see her face on the evening news while a grim-faced reporter relayed the gory details of the way in which she'd been killed. He didn't know if he'd be able to survive if that happened, but he did know that if he watched her die again he was going to die, too.

He honestly hadn't expected that she'd feel he'd betrayed her by keeping the information to himself; he'd actually thought she'd thank him for keeping her safe. There he was, being a fool again.

Betray her? That had hurt and shocked him, but the look in her eyes that said she wanted nothing to do with him was what finished him. It took all his strength to tell her that he was done and then turn on his heel and walk out the door. She'd clearly made her up mind about what was important in her life and for the first time he understood that it was never going to be him.

After taking one last look at her picture on his screen, he moved her folder to the Trash. He was all too aware that now he needed to empty the Trash to truly get rid of it, but that was a step he couldn't take right now. Maybe it would be easier tomorrow.

With his phone turned off so he wouldn't have to talk to anyone, he watched the rain beat against the windows and wished that it would stop because it looked like trails of tears. He was just about to crash on the sofa when he heard a knock at his door and, although he wanted to be alone, something made him open it anyway.

Beckett. For a minute he almost smiled, but then the actor in him rose up and slid the mask of indifference onto his face once again. He couldn't bring himself to slam the door in her face, even though he thought about it.

He was totally unprepared when she launched herself at him. Instinctively, he pushed her back even though he wanted to pull her closer because it was the first time he'd seen remorse and honesty and, yes, longing in her eyes. He listened to what she was telling him and he believed, or so desperately wanted to believe, that she meant it.

Her wall may have come down, but the one he'd begun building himself made him shake his head and think this was never going to work. It turned out, though, that there wasn't enough substance to his wall and it crumbled when he realized that, for the first time, she was putting him ahead of finding her mother's killer.

Suddenly, there was no space between them, no hurt and no regrets. There was only a tangle of arms, of two bodies pressed together against the wall, and heat rising between and around them. Not even once did he think this was wrong because it felt so right. Linking hands, they headed slowly towards his bedroom, staring into each other's eyes without blinking.

But it didn't play out the way it was supposed to. Yet.

Kate looked around the room, suddenly seemed uncertain and sat down at the end of the bed shivering.

"Are you having second thoughts, Kate," Castle asked softly, fearing the answer.

"No, no, not for one minute, Castle!" She pulled him down beside him and held his hand between both of hers.

"But I have to say something first, so you don't think this is just all about… that." She tilted her head and indicated the bed.

"I don't need to hear anything right now, Kate."

"But I need to say it." She shivered again and he got up and brought his robe to her. Gently, he removed her drenched blouse and bra, bent down to softly kiss her scar and then wrapped her into the robe and secured it with the belt. He sat down again but she stepped back and leaned against the wall.

"Castle, when I was hanging from the edge of the building…"

"When you were what?"

"Another time, Castle. That's not what's important right now."

He was shocked by the indifference she seemed to have about almost dying and the casual way she mentioned it.

She walked over to the window and watched the rain beating against it, the sound seeming in sync with her heart. Sighing, she turned around and looked at Castle, noticing that he looked worried about what she was about to reveal.

"Don't look at me like that, Castle. It's all good."

"If you say so."

"As I was saying, when I was hanging from the edge of the building, you know what flashed through my mind?"

"Your life?"

"Not even close. It wasn't my life, it wasn't my mother's death and it wasn't the last 13 years spent searching for her murderer."

"What was it?"

"It was the last four years. You were all I could see in my mind Castle. I saw how much you mean to me, and I saw how hurt you were the last time we talked. I couldn't get the expression on your face out of my mind. I hated myself for accusing you of betraying me."

He couldn't have interrupted her if he had wanted to because the lump in his throat ached so much he felt that he might stop breathing if he tried.

She came back to the bed again and sat down beside him, entwining her fingers with his.

"Castle, my obsession with finding my mom's murderer, combined with the hate I had for him, filled up my heart so much that there wasn't room inside it for anyone." She smiled suddenly, which didn't fit with what she had just said.

"What? What are you thinking?"

She took a deep breath. "I just realized that maybe that my obsession and hatred were there for a good reason."

"A good reason? What could possibly be good about them, Kate?"

"They prevented anyone else from getting into my heart, too. They kept it closed until you came along. And still, even though you were so patient and kind to me, I couldn't see the possibility of what could be."

"But you dated other guys, you found room for them."

"They were never in my heart, Castle. No one's ever been there. Until you."

He leaned over and kissed her softly several times, but sensed that she wasn't quite finished what she had to tell him.

"I called for you Castle, when I was hanging there. I said your name so many times that I swore I heard you answer me and that you'd come to save me. But it was just Javi and Kevin. And Gates."

"Gates? So she knows now that you were pursuing this case on the side?"

"Oh, yeah, she knows." Beckett sighed and continued. "She put Javi and me on administrative leave, but I resigned instead."

"God, Kate, no! Can you change your mind? I know how much your job means to you."

"I don't want to be a cop right now, Castle. I just want to have a life, to see what's out there without this vendetta on my mind 24/7. And I want you to be part of that life so that we can build something solid now that we have no secrets between us."

"So you're going to stop looking for your mother's killer? For real?"

"For real. You're more important to me than anything in my life, Castle, and I don't want to lose you again. Not ever."

She leaned over and kissed him as she had at the door, showing him the truth in her words and the passion in her heart, and then she said the words he'd be waiting to hear during those four long, lonely years, the words that she'd never been able to say before.

"I love you, Castle."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8. Finally

"I love you, Castle."

In shock, he stopped breathing momentarily and when he started again the sound was as ragged as it had been when she'd launched herself at him from the apartment doorway.

"Kate." He shook his head and held her at arm's length even though he wanted to pull her closer. He'd waited so long to hear her say those words that he was having trouble believing her. "Kate, you don't have to…"

She shushed him with a finger on his lips. "Yes, I do have to, Castle. I don't want to wait until after… or until morning. My brain recognized the truth only when I thought I was going to fall from that building, but in reality my heart has known it for a long time."

It was only then that he pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head. Feeling the pounding of her heart against his, he murmured, "Really? You're sure? I don't want you to regret saying it, Kate."

She stared up at him, green eyes shining. "Really, Castle. Nothing's ever going to change the way I feel about you right now."

He kissed her deeply and slowly, the urgency at the front door of the apartment softened by honesty and revelation. Then the degree of need gradually increased as their layers of clothing were strewn about the floor and hands and lips adored each area of skin as it was uncovered. Somehow they found themselves in the middle of the bed, pressed closely together and staring into each other's eyes where the truth shone brightly. They smiled at each other without any awkwardness or hesitation, knowing that this was finally their time. They'd been on a road that had been difficult and long, full of detours and rough spots and always under construction, but somehow through all the years they had instinctively known that the destination was going to be worth it.

By the time Kate slid one of her long legs over Castle's, all logical thoughts had ceased and all memories of secrets and betrayal had long fled. The sound of the rain pounding against the window mingled with the pounding of their hearts and muffled the sounds of their love. Later, when they separately would recall the minutes and the hours that followed, they'd realize that what happened between them exceeded anything either of them could have envisioned.

Hours later, Kate opened her eyes as the sun settled on them and momentarily panicked when she didn't recognize the room. Feeling an arm tighten around her, she turned her head slightly and smiled when she saw Castle fighting to keep his eyes closed.

"You're not fooling me one bit, Castle," she laughed. "You're a terrible actor."

"That's a downright lie! Even you have to admit that I was an awesome zombie."

"Yeah, okay, I'll give you that."

"Hey, I still have the costume! Maybe sometime I could dress up in it again and we could…"

"Don't even finish that thought!"

She rolled over and snuggled up to him as they wrapped their arms around each other.

"Everything okay?" He sounded hesitant, wanting this morning to be perfect and carefully weighing his words.

"Everything's great, Castle."

"I mean…"

"Oh, my God," she exclaimed, leaning back to look at him. "You're not asking me how you were, are you?"

"No. No! I just meant are you okay?"

"I'm better than okay. Believe me." He felt her lips form a smile against his chest and he grinned happily.

"What time is it anyway, Castle?"

He glanced over her head and yawned. "It's 10:00. I wonder how Alexis' all-nighter went."

"Alexis!"

"Alexis!"

They both sat up and looked at each other with wide eyes.

"You don't think she's home yet, do you?" Kate suddenly listened intently, putting her hand on his arm to stop him for answering yet. "I thought I heard something."

"I… no… she… wait here." Castle got up and tied his robe around him before quietly sliding open the bookshelf doors to the bedroom. He listened for a minute and then stepped out of the room. Kate felt like a sitting duck on the bed, so she pulled his tee shirt over her head and stepped into the bathroom where she'd be out of sight. She was thinking he was taking far too long and was just about to step back into the bedroom to get dressed when he clamped his hand over her mouth and then replaced it with his lips when she gasped.

"Sssh, it's okay. She hasn't come home yet. I wanted to have a long, leisurely breakfast with you, but that might not be possible. I hope you don't mind." He looked worried and she stroked his prickly cheek with a finger.

"No problem, Castle. It would be really awkward for everyone if she caught us like this."

"I'll make it up to you, Kate. I promise." He whipped the tee shirt off over her head. "But first, come here, you," he said, pulling her into the shower. "Let's save water with one shower."

In the end, they stayed there for a long, long time, alternating between pressing against each other and being pressed against the tiles and the glass. Somehow they managed to eventually find the strength to drag themselves out and then set about drying each other slowly and carefully.

Kate's rain-dampened clothes had been extremely wrinkled lying on the floor, so when Castle had gone to check for Alexis he had put them on the steam cycle of the washer to smooth them out. She shook her head as he handed them to her.

"What?" He asked, looking puzzled. "I swear they didn't shrink."

"It's not that. It's just that you thought to do this for me."

"Kate, there's so much I want to do for you." Before she could speak, he held up his hand. "I know you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, but I just want the chance to do that, too."

"I know, Castle. And thank you."

"Come on, I've decided that I really must make breakfast for you."

"No, I should get going. Alexis could come in any time."

"Kate, I'm not letting you leave without breakfast. You go in and dry your hair so it doesn't look like you've just had a shower, and if she comes in I'll just say you dropped by to bring me up to speed on a case."

"Well, okay, if you think she'll believe that."

"She will. So… pancakes?"

"Pancakes? Really?"

"What's wrong with pancakes? Don't you like them?" He looked hurt and once again she saw the boy in him.

"I love pancakes, but they're so cliché, Castle."

"How so?"

"You know… the morning after? People seem to think that you have to have pancakes."

"Oh, I never thought about them that way. What can I make for you, then?"

"I'd settle happily for just coffee, but if you're hell bent on cooking for me, I'm kind of an bacon and eggs gal. If you have them, that is."

His face brightened. "Hey, that's my favorite breakfast! Want hash browns with that, too?"

"Even better." She turned and headed back to the bedroom. "It shouldn't take me too long to dry my hair."

Thirty minutes later they were seated across from each other at the table, smiling and talking about nothing in particular and occasionally feeding each other. Castle had never seen her as relaxed as she was now and couldn't help thinking how good it looked on her. He kissed the top of her head as they stood up and loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. He then poured the last of the coffee and indicated the sofa.

"Let's have a seat over there. If you don't mind, I'd better check if there are any messages for me."

He plunked down beside her and saw that she'd already taken her phone out of her jacket and turned it on.

"Lanie, Espo, Ryan, my dad and…" She paused and swore. "… Captain Gates."

"And I have Mother and Alexis and…" He also paused and swore. "… Esposito, Ryan, Lanie and Captain Gates. But not your dad."

Sighing, they both began listening to their messages and then alternated between making faces and rolling their eyes at each other. When they were finished, all they could do was laugh.

"Well, it seems that everyone is wondering where you are." Castle nodded at Kate's phone. "I guess your messages are pretty much the same."

"Yeah, they are."

"So what are we going to tell everyone."

"Castle, let's not broadcast this right away, okay? I mean, can we just keep this between us for now?"

"Uh, sure, if that's what you want. Are you having doubts? Second thoughts?"

"About what?"

"About us?" He tried a smile but it was an epic fail. "I'll go along with whatever you want."

"Castle, don't look like that!" She snuggled up beside him and wrapped her arm around him. "I'm not having any doubts whatsoever. And I'm sure about this."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. It's just that I want Martha and Alexis to be the first to know. It's only fair. And that means we can't say anything to the others until after that."

"You want my mother and Alexis to know that we've had sex?" He was teasing her.

"God, no!" She smacked his cheek lightly with her hand. "When's Martha coming back from The Hamptons?"

"In five days. I think I can keep my mouth shut that long."

"You'd better if you know what's good for you, mister."

"Ooh, remember the first year at the precinct I told you I'd be happy to have you spank me anytime."

She rolled her eyes and mumbled something about what she was getting herself in for. "Okay, when we do speak to the others, let's just say that you and I have been talking and I'm trying to decide what to do with my days."

"Agreed."

"And now, for the most important message of all," she continued, "what did Alexis say?"

"That she's getting a drive and will be home by 1:00."

Kate looked at her watch and sighed. "That's 30 minutes, so I'd better get out of here."

They stood up and fell against each other again as if pulled by magnetic force. After several minutes of deep kissing and soft sounds of satisfaction, they drew back and took a few deep breaths. Holding her hand in his, Castle walked her to the door and kissed each of her eyelids and then her forehead.

"I'll call you later," he promised.

"You'd better, because I know where you live," she threatened.

They kept their eyes on each other until she reluctantly got into the elevator after blowing a kiss to him.

"What an incredible 15 hours… who would have believed how fast life can change?" They both uttered the same words at the same time, still in sync, thinking as one.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9. Dr. Burke

"Your 11:00 appointment is here, Dr. Burke."

"Send her in, please."

Glancing at the file that rested on top of the pile, he focused on the name: Detective Kate Beckett. Psychiatrists weren't really supposed to have favorites, but that was almost impossible. You want all your patients to get better, to heal so that they can find happiness and a chance at a future, but there are some who get under your skin and you wish even more for them. Kate was one of those.

Standing up to shake her hand, he could see immediately that something had changed. She gave him a small smile as she always did, and although she looked tired, she seemed different. Tension appeared absent. She looked neither upset nor angry.

"Please, have a seat," he indicated the chair that she favored.

"If you don't mind, I'd rather stand," she replied, crossing over to look out the window.

_Uh oh, I wonder if she's going to start her usual pacing any minute._

The silence grew longer until Dr. Burke realized that she wasn't going to offer anything on her own and he wondered how could have forgotten that most patients need coaxing.

"So, Kate," he began. "It's been two weeks since I last saw you. Has anything happened since then, either significant or seemingly otherwise?"

She turned around and faced him, leaning against the wall with a half-smile on her face. "Oh, yeah, you could say that."

"Let me guess. Mr. Castle has caused you grief once again."

"Well, yes, he certainly did that."

"You don't seem too upset, or at least not as upset as you usually do, so there must be more."

Kate made a slow circuit of the room and then perched on the arm of the chair she usually sat in. "Let's see, how should I put this?" She looked him straight in the eyes, all seriousness. "I guess I'd just better lay all my cards on the table."

"That would be appreciated," he smiled.

"Okay. Well, I got another lead on the case involving my mother, Castle told me something that indicated he had betrayed me and as a result I felt I'd never be able to trust him again, he said twice that he loved me, and then he told me he was done because I wouldn't leave the case alone and then he walked out of my life." She paused to take a breath and then continued quickly, "After that, I was nearly killed hanging off a building and was saved at the last minute just as my hand slipped, the Captain put Esposito and me on administrative leave and then I resigned."

Dr. Carver Burke had trained himself over the years so that no matter how shocking or horrifying his patients' revelations might be, his reactions would be entirely internal so that his face would never give anything away. This time wasn't any different, but it took a great deal of concentration not to have his jaw drop several inches.

He stared at her as she broke eye contact with him and sauntered over to the window again.

"Kate, that's… uh… quite a lot of drama, especially in such a short period of time." He was seldom at a loss for words and struggled to find something that would keep her talking. "And yet you seem very calm." Far too calm, in fact. Frighteningly calm.

"Oh, I feel pretty darn calm, all right." Over the next half hour she gave him an abbreviated version of the events of that day, her voice as calm as if she were describing what she saw out the window.

"I'm sensing that there's more to this story."

"Yeah, I had kind of an epiphany when I was hanging off that building. I realized some truths that I'd been blind to."

"You mean concerning your mother's murder?"

"In a way, but in a very small way."

She sat down again and stopped speaking altogether, appearing to be lost in thought. And then she laughed out loud.

He raised his eyebrows at the sound. He'd never heard her laugh before and it seemed entirely out of context to what she'd just told him. He wondered if she was having some kind of a breakdown and decided to steer the conversation in a different direction.

"So, resigning was a pretty drastic step, Kate. Have you had second thoughts about it?"

"Oh, yeah, more than second thoughts. I'll probably go back, but not just now. I have things to do. Important things. Fences to mend. Other plans to make."

"Do you still intend to search for your mother's killer even though you'll have no police resources available?" He feared the answer and held his breath as he waited for her to speak.

"Actually, no, I'm done." She said it with such conviction that he was puzzled.

"How can you be so sure? I mean it's been your all-consuming thought for 13 years."

Kate leaned forward, rested her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. "Did I ever tell you what my Dad and I had put on my Mom's headstone?"

He shook his head but noticed that she'd ignored the question he'd asked her, "Not that I recall."

'Vincit Omnia Veritas,' Kate said, matter-of-factly. "It means Truth Conquers All. It was my Mom's motto, and she had a beautiful framed print of it on her office wall."

Kate paused and looked down at the floor.

"And," Dr. Burke prodded.

"All these years, these 13 long, hard years, I took that to mean that the truth about my Mom's murder was going to be the be all and the end all. It was going to make everything better, give meaning to my life and was the only thing that would heal me. And if I didn't do that, I was somehow a failure."

"And you don't think that anymore?"

Kate inhaled deeply and let out a long, slow breath. "No, I don't."

This wasn't an answer that Dr. Burke had expected to hear, especially so soon in her therapy.

"What changed?"

"_I_ changed. With my life literally hanging in the balance, I saw that it wasn't the truth of the murder that would conquer all. It was only the truth in my heart that could do that."

"The truth in your heart? I don't understand, Kate. What was the truth in your heart?"

"Castle." She said it so softly that he almost didn't hear her.

"Did you say Castle?" Seeing her nod, he added, "Why?"

"I love him."

This time his jaw did drop and he stared at her in shock for several seconds before he closed his mouth again. Clearing his throat, he tried several times to make some sound come out.

"You… uh… uh… love Castle?" It was almost too much to comprehend.

Kate laughed again. "Why, Dr. Burke, I've never seen you look flustered before! That's okay, I understand. I felt the same way when I realized it; in fact, I still feel that way."

"Wow." This time he laughed. "Sorry. That wasn't a very professional statement."

"No apology needed."

"So, does your Mr. Castle know this? That you love him?"

"Yes, he does. I told him the same day I almost died, the same day I resigned."

"And you're sure that wasn't just because you were still in shock."

"Dr. Burke," she continued, rising to pace again, "I'm not really sure of too much right now. I'm not sure I want to be a cop, I'm not sure how I'll reinvent myself if I give up my career and I'm not sure if my friendships with my three closest police friends are going to survive."

"And?"

"The one thing I am sure about is that I love Castle. It's taken me a long time to realize this, and I truly believe it is the one thing that will see me through whatever the future hands me."

"Just off the record, Kate," Dr. Burke paused and looked uncomfortable, "and you don't have to answer this if you don't want, but have you and Mr. Castle…" He stopped and held up his hand. "Never mind."

"Why, Dr. Burke," Kate smiled, seeing his squirm. "Do you actually want to know if we did 'it'?"

"No, I really don't. Forget I even started that sentence."

"I will." She sat down again and stared at him. "So in light of all my revelations, do you think I'm cured?"

"You never needed to be cured, Kate. All you needed was some guidance so that you could gather insight yourself. Are you thinking you're finished here?"

"No, not at all. Actually, all the things that have happened have brought another set of problems with them. I'm not ready to try my wings yet."

"I'm glad to hear that. Now, what problems are you talking about?"

Kate sighed and he saw the lines of stress back on her face. "It's about my two detectives, Esposito and Ryan."

Ah, yes, Esposito and Ryan. Both had been told to report to him and, although he had seen neither yet, he wasn't in a position to tell Kate that. His assistant had explicit orders that all three of the detectives were to be booked on different days so that their paths didn't cross.

"What about them, Kate?"

"Well, Esposito really had my back and I feel guilty that he had to hand over his gun and badge and is now on administrative leave, and Ryan didn't have my back and reported us to Captain Gates. They haven't spoken to each other since, although Ryan has made several attempts."

"Let me get this clear in my mind. The three of you had this secret mission that you shouldn't have been involved in, and yet you say Ryan is the one who didn't have your back."

"He _didn't_! He blabbed to the Captain. None of this would have happened if he had kept his mouth shut!"

"Kate, you would have been dead if he had."

"That's beside the point! He didn't have my back!"

"He had your back more than Esposito did." He watched the expression on her face change.

"What?"

"Esposito followed you blindly without thinking of your safety, while Ryan thought only about your safety."

"I guess when you put it that way… but…" She stopped herself when she realized there really wasn't a 'but'.

"Have you spoken to either of them, or is it just Ryan you've left hanging?"

"I haven't been up to talking to any them, not even Lanie or the Captain. It would be just too difficult to do until I can tell them about Castle."

"So you're keeping your relationship a secret, then?"

"Just until he can tell him mother and daughter. They'll both be home together for the first time since we've acknowledged our relationship, and it's only fair that we tell them first. Or he does. We haven't quite worked out the logistics of how and when."

"And what about your friends?"

"I've texted all of them, even Ryan, to say just that_ I'm fine, don't worry about me, I'm taking some time for myself_. As for the Captain, she said in a voice message that she wasn't accepting my resignation and wanted to see me at the precinct. I texted back that I'd be in when I felt up to it."

"What now?" He noticed Kate's eyes suddenly widen.

"Oh, my God! I'm going to have to keep my relationship with Castle secret from her above all others or she'll boot him out the precinct!"

"Another secret, Kate?"

"You don't understand. If I go back, Castle has to be there, too. I need him there with me."

_Ah, Kate,_ he thought to himself with some sadness, _your Castle is one very lucky man._


End file.
